I got a phone call one day from a woman who needed coaching. “Can we meet at a coffee shop” I asked her “Somewhere between your place and mine” I didn’t have a fixed office, I was busy building a house and living in the garage.

A few days later I entered the coffee shop and there she was. Sitting with her back to the wall. Looking out of a large window that faced the road. She was sitting up dead holding herself so tightly wound up that I hesitated to approach her.

I could almost see the six foot walls she had around herself. Her image was immaculate and her pose stiff. I reached out my hand and introduced myself, she barely cracked a smile as she tilted her head in acknowledgement of me and shook my hand. We started out with an icebreaker, the weather, the busy streets, how far she traveled, had she been to that restaurant before? Slowly the ice maiden began to melt and a beautiful soul emerged.

Slowly her story began to unravel, and as I had surmised it was based on fear. I watched her twirl her wedding ring round her finger and wring her hands. She was still slightly uncertain about having stepped out of her comfort zone in meeting me. I waited while she sipped her tea, I waited for her story.

Her husband was a man so well liked in his community, a leader who drew people to him like a magnet. His charm like honey to a congregation filled with bees. He had been a minister for some time and did so much for his community. I watched her wringing her hands again and twirling her ring as she paused doubtful whether to take the next step. I waited without interruption that’s what a good coach does and a good listener. She took a sip of her tea.

Fear

“I tried, I really tried” I heard her say “but I just couldn’t” she was either afraid to say what was on her mind or embarrassed by it. “Those woman, all dressed up so confident, each time I approached them fear grips me and I have no idea what to say” “I so want to help my husband, I so want to be able to stand up on that stage and speak but I can’t even speak to the woman in my own congregation at bible study”

This woman was afraid of people.

This woman was gripped by fear and possibly intimidated by her own congregation. Fear that her walls would come crashing down, that she would be ridiculed, disrespected, hurt and more. She completely lacked the confidence to even approach woman standing around drinking tea.

What these woman in the congregation might have seen was a woman who was stiff and severe, perhaps even judgemental and self-righteous. When in fact what they really saw but had no understanding of was fear.

Raw painful fear that kept her separated from all the activities in the church. A beautiful and humble woman is more precious than gold.

The coaching

Once I had the picture we could set a date for the coaching. During coaching we began to remove that wall one brick at a time. We peeled away the layers she had wrapped herself in. She began to emerge as the beautiful person she was and felt safe to do so in a coaching environment.

We covered communication skills and how people see you so that she could understand the messages she was conveying through her own body language. We recorded her tone of voice, her posture the way she presented herself. She was able to see where changes were needed. Slowly the walls fell and a confident woman emerged. Confident enough to stand in a circle with the woman in her church and chat. Confident enough to stand on a stage and speak to her congregation, confident enough to laugh at her own mistakes.

Don’t ever underestimate the power of fear and don’t be to quick to judge others, you have no idea the road they have walked. You are meeting them at some point in their live, take the time to listen and allow them to slowly show you who they really are. Perhaps hidden under all those layers is a mine full of gold.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his power. Put on the whole armour of God, so that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. Ephesians 6 verse 10

No one is immune to fear, some people just do a better job of hiding it than others. Did you know that “Fear not” is in the bible 365 times. One for each day of the year. We were never meant to be afraid. Fear doesn’t come from God. Fear can hold you prisoner for years, I had that experience personally. It is deliberating and makes you feel completely powerless. People who intimidate or abuse you into fear are themselves cowards and very often filled with their own fears.

Confrontation

Was something I completely shied away from for a good part of my life until I discovered that it was necessary in protecting my personal space. Don’t run away from people who think they have the power over you, learn instead how to stand up and confront them. This is an incredibly powerful tool to have and something I coach my clients. The tools they need for confrontational skills.

In our lives we will come across many different situations and people and the sooner we have the know how in dealing with situations that could make our lives difficult the better for our well being.